I’m thinking of discipleship during this time of Lent. Not only my own discipleship, but the discipleship modeled for me through the disciples themselves. As I pray during Lent, I cannot help but think of the disciples and my own discipleship as we move through Christ’s paschal mystery, Jesus’  life, death, resurrection, and ascension. Throughout Christ’s journey on earth there were disciples. And here I am, striving to be a disciple myself, knowing exactly where this Lenten journey will lead, which is more than the disciples themselves knew back in the day.

What does it mean to follow Jesus? I have in my mind, to be a follower of Christ, is someone who chooses Christ at every turn, who lays down every want and greed for the want of Christ, and who has a deep relationship with Jesus that mirrors the most intimate and solid friendships one has ever had. Then I look at my life. I see how I don’t always pray, or how I get severely distracted during mass with my worries and to-do lists, or find myself so frustrated that all I do is blame God for my shortcomings. I see myself as the kind of friend who pulls out a cellphone when someone I care about is speaking to me; I could be a better friend to Christ, I could be a better disciple.

I recently stumbled upon a reflection about the second week of the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola by Peter W. Gyves, S.J. The Spiritual Exercises is a retreat consisting of a compendium of prayers, meditations, and contemplations written by St. Ignatius of Loyola to deepen a retreatant’s relationship with God.  In this reflection, Gyves defines discipleship as a transformative experience. He says authentic discipleship “sets us upon a path to acquire the inner freedom so necessary to allow the Spirit of God to lead us where God will have us go.”

At many points in my life I have often seen myself as Peter, the disciple who walked on water until he didn’t. When Jesus walks out onto the water the disciples think they see a ghost. When they realize it’s Jesus Peter yells out, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” Jesus responds, “Come.” And so Peter steps onto the water and walks towards Jesus. Realizing he is moving atop the water, just like Jesus, Peter immediately plunges downward. Jesus reaches out and pulls Peter out of the water saying, “Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

I can see moments in my life where Christ is near and clearly at work. When I relocated to Chicago from Kansas City, Missouri, Christ provided me with the wherewithal to find an apartment and a job. And then I plummet in doubt at other moments, like mistrusting my intelligence when it comes to academics or talents when leading a bible study. As Peter did, I walk on water for a moment. And, like Peter, I descend into the waters, filled with dubiety and uncertainty. And yet, despite all that, Jesus reaches out and pulls me up, EVERTIME, encouraging me to keep following, to be gentle with my own discipleship. It seems to me, Jesus is not looking for perfection in my discipleship, rather Jesus is looking for me to believe, to take Jesus’ hand every time Christ reaches out, and to simply try again.